


Chasing Love (It Could Never Be Mine)

by felixfrckls



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is a Mess, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Projecting, Random & Short, Sad Ending, Sharing a Bed, idk what this is, me being sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26704810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixfrckls/pseuds/felixfrckls
Summary: “Sometimes I wish it was real,” Chan heard Felix say. His voice didn’t carry a sad tone, he mostly sounded resigned as if whatever he was thinking about was something he had long given up on. For no particular reason, nervousness made its way up Chan's stomach until it was resting like a heavyweight on his chest, right where Felix’s head was.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 13
Kudos: 66





	Chasing Love (It Could Never Be Mine)

Chan loved to wake up next to someone, the warmth of another body pressed close to his.

When he blinked awake that morning, it was to hair in his mouth and his right arm asleep just like the boy next to him was. Smiling to himself, Chan thought he wouldn’t have it any other way. Waking up to Felix specifically was probably Chan's favourite thing in the whole world because it gave him the chance to count all those adorable freckles he loved so much and to coo over Felix’s messy hair sticking in all directions.

Chan considered himself very lucky to be the only one who could see Felix like this, in all his sleepy glory as they said hello to a new day together. Chan would be lying if he said he didn’t realise how deeper he was falling with each passing day — every time Felix whined to be cuddled for some more and didn’t want to get up quite yet, every time his face burned bright red when he caught Chan openly staring at him. 

Chan let out a dreamy sigh, turning to fully face the boy emitting warmth beside him. Felix looked ethereal in the morning  —  h is eyes were closed, his eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks where entire constellations were carefully painted. Felix stirred in his sleep, nuzzling a bit closer to Chan’s body before relaxing completely again. 

Smirking to himself, Chan started to trace invisible patterns of Felix’s cheek, connecting his freckles with the same dedication he would have if he was trying to win a game. He then moved lower until he caressed Felix’s parted lips and his strong jawline, leaning in to leave father-like kisses all over his face. Even though Chan knew Felix would complain, the boy loved to be woken up with sweet gestures and affection. Chan moved his trail of kisses to Felix’s jaw, caressing his hip with his free hand which had been wrapped around the boy’s waist until then. 

Chan smiled satisfied when he felt Felix squirm under his touches, trying to chase that last bit of sleep he could before he would be forced to open his eyes and start another day. Knowing that Felix would easily fall asleep again if he didn’t do something to stop that, Chan leaned in one more time until their noses brushed together in the most tender of gestures.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead” he whispered sweetly, chuckling at the whine he received as a response. By now, Felix was completely awake but he had no intention to give in, so he untangled himself from Chan and turned to face the other side, his eyes still shut. Chan laughed amused but, just like Felix, he didn’t give up, too stubborn for that. He moved closer, chasing Felix’s warmth until he had his arms wrapped around Felix’s waist, his chest now pressed flushed to his the boy’s back. He picked up right where he left off and began leaving soft kisses on Felix’s neck once again, this time not failing to notice the goosebumps erupting on his skin at the contact.

“Stop that, I wanna sleep,” Felix whined, his eyes still closed but a pout making its appearance on his lips. When Chan ignored him, Felix sighed defeated, finally turning around with a grumpy expression on his face to look at the boy lying next to him. Chan beamed at him and his eyes couldn’t help but sparkle with fondness at the cute sight in front of him. “And here I thought my love would make you happy,” Chan pouted, teasing the boy becuase he knew the answer already.

With an exasperated sigh, Felix gave up, “good morning.” Felix’s voice in the morning was one of those things Chan could listen to on repeat and never grow tired of. Being aware of his surroundings didn’t make Felix pull away in the slightest  — if anything he cuddled even closer to Chan's body until his head was buried against the boy’s chest, his hair tickling Chan’s chin. “Morning, love,” Chan whispered, no point in talking any louder when Felix was so close. It didn't matter what was waiting for them later, lazy mornings when they could wake up wrapped up in the other’s arms and just bask in each other’s company were always precious. 

With his fingers running through Felix's messy hair and the boy hugging him tightly, Chan thought he would have gladly stayed there, in that exact spot, for centuries if he only could. “I love when you call me that,” Felix casually said as if it didn’t make a burst of fondness light up Chan's heart. Chan wasn’t a particularly affectionate person, but with Felix, it was impossible to hold back. The way he blushed every time Chan didn’t think about it and called him all sorts of pet names was definitely one of those memories he found it hard to forget.

“And I love you,” Chan didn’t hesitate to say, cringing at his own words and the way he had just blurted them out. They were true  — of course, they were  — but sometimes he wished he had a filter so that he could save himself the embarrassment. He heard Felix chuckle before the boy pulled away a bit so that he could watch Chan in the eyes. “Do you have to be this sappy all of the time?” Felix asked and, even though he tried to sound serious, the sparkle in his eyes gave him away already. 

Chan knew that, as much as Felix tried to hide it, he loved when Chan was open about his feelings, leaving no space for doubts or insecurities. “You wouldn’t love me the same if I wasn’t,” Chan answered, leaning in to leave a lingering kiss on Felix’s forehead. The younger smiled at the action but the look in his eyes was more serious than it was before. “That’s not true. I love you for who you are, nothing could change my mind about that,” Felix replied, looking Chan straight in the eyes. There was no hesitation in them, just the pure simple truth, there for Chan to read.

Chan found himself staring into Felix’s eyes as well, mesmerized at the stars he could see in them. Like a broken record, he asked himself how it was possible that he was really the one there, blessed by the sight in front of him and feeling his heart so full of love for this boy who loved him back just as deeply. With a last smile, Felix broke eye contact just to wrap his arms tighter around Chan's body and place his head on Chan's chest, right where his heart was beating.

“Sometimes I wish it was real,” Chan heard Felix say. His voice didn’t carry a sad tone, he mostly sounded resigned as if whatever he was thinking about was something he had long given up on. On the other hand, Chan was confused by the sudden topic change and didn’t have a clue on what was going on inside Felix's head. For no particular reason, nervousness made its way up Chan's stomach until it was resting like a heavyweight on his chest, right where Felix’s head was.

“What do you mean?” Chan asked, his voice coming out fainter than what he wanted it to be. Felix moved back until he was sitting on the bed, no limb touching Chan's body anymore. Chan despised the sudden coldness, he wanted to reach out for Felix and bring him closer again but he couldn’t  — Felix felt so distant now. The younger was sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring at Chan lying there but, this time, he looked perplexed as if he was surprised that Chan was so confused  —  what he had said made sense to him. “Felix, what do you mean?” Chan pushed more, the dread in his stomach making him want to hide under the blanket, safe from everything and everyone.

“This, us. This isn’t real,” Felix answered, shrugging his shoulders like he hadn’t just stabbed Chan right in the chest. “Deep down, you know you’re just hurting yourself, so how can you still be so hopeful that things will change?” The way Felix's head was tilted on the side and he had a focused look on his face would have been cute if each of his words wasn’t cutting Chan's heart open. Chan felt like he was suddenly falling, no ground under his feet and no idea where he was going to lend  —  _ if _ he was going to lend. Unbothered, Felix kept going, “you need to let me go.”

It wasn’t a suggestion, it sounded like an omen.

“But Felix, I love you,” Chan finally found the courage to speak, to make sense to what was going on, “and you just told me you love me too.” Felix chuckled, a cute little sound that to Chan was nothing but mocking. “I love you here,” Felix said pointing at Chan’s head, “but I don’t love you out there.” Chan felt a lump in his throat at the harsh words, not understanding how Felix went from cuddling up to him not even five minutes earlier, to telling him nothing they had was real.

it was hard for Chan to find something to say to that but, apparently, he didn’t have to. “You need to open your eyes,” Felix said, serious again and his low voice almost made it sound like a threat. Chan wanted to yell that he was there, that his eyes were wide open, that he was watching Felix break his heart right in front of him. “What are you talking about?” Chan managed to ask in a pained whisper, eyes watering at the unforgiving look directed at him. 

“Chris, open your eyes,” Felix ordered, no playfulness or softness in his voice. 

And so Chan did.

He opened his eyes just to wake up startled, his body covered in a layer of cold sweat. He woke up to an empty and cold bed, no traces of another body wrapped around his, no freckles, no smiles. No love. Chan stayed frozen right where he was, staring at the white ceiling of his bedroom as if it could take him away from there, away from the pain in his chest.

Felix wasn’t his to love, he had never been and never will be. 

He didn’t get to wake up by his side, he didn’t get to hear his “I love you”s or see him blush when he called him “love”. Felix was a part of his life and he was a part of Felix's but not in the way he wanted to be. Everything he could have was inside his head, fleeting scenarios that could comfort him for a few moments just to double the pain later.

The Felix in his dream was right.

He could have his perfect love story there, in his mind where everything seemed to make sense, but he couldn’t get Felix’s love in real life. In real life, he could only have hope, hope for something that was slowly crushing him but felt so good at the same time. It made him feel alive, ecstatic when Felix showed him the slightest sign of acknowledging him and his presence.

That happiness, however, came with a great deal of sadness, loneliness and insecurities.

Maybe his mind was subconsciously telling him to let Felix go, to stop having hopes for something that clearly wasn’t meant to happen, to stop expecting from Felix  — the real Felix  — to act like the Felix in his mind. But, how could he bring himself to let all of that go when a single smile could brighten up his whole day and he still had those moments of happiness here and there that made him believe things could really be fine.

Chan simply couldn’t let Felix go, not yet at least.

And so he kept his little act up.

He kept reassuring everyone that he was fine, that he was okay with seeing Felix having the time of his life with someone else. He kept cursing himself out every time he let himself be hopeful again, hurting twice as much when things came crashing down again like they always did. 

After all, what mattered was that Felix was happy, with or without him. Chan could live with waking up to a cold bed, he could live with overthinking everything he said so that it didn’t reveal too much, he could live with associating hope to negativity. 

He could live with being heartbroken.

But, if love had to hurt this much, Chan wished he could wake up one day unable to feel anything at all.

**Author's Note:**

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